Ways to Co-Parent Respectfully
Separating your personal relationship with your ex from your co-parenting relationship is essential for successful co-parenting. Starting to view your relationship with your ex as a brand-new one in which the wellbeing of your children comes before the needs of either of you may be beneficial.
Even if your marriage may be over, your family still exists, and you should always put your children’s needs first. Always putting your children’s needs ahead of your own is the first step in being a mature, accountable co-parent.
Benefits for Children
Through your co-parenting relationship, your children should realise that they are more significant than the disagreement that caused your marriage to fail and that your love for them will endure despite unforeseen events. Children who have cooperative relationships with their divorced parents:
- Feel secure. Children adjust to divorce and new living arrangements more swiftly and readily when they are confident in both parents. They also have higher self-esteem.
- Benefit from consistency. Children know what to expect and what is expected of them since co-parenting encourages the use of similar rules, discipline, and rewards between families.
- Better understand problem solving. Children are more likely to learn how to peacefully and effectively resolve conflicts when they observe their parents working together.
- Have a healthy example to follow. You are setting a life pattern for your kids that will help them develop and uphold healthier relationships in the future by working together with the other parent.
- Are mentally and emotionally healthier. Conflict between co-parents increases the risk that children will experience disorders like depression, anxiety, or ADHD
Tip 1: Set hurt and anger aside
Your personal feelings—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must be put on hold in order to prioritise your children’s needs in order to successfully co-parent. Acknowledging that putting such powerful emotions aside may be the most difficult, yet crucial, aspect of learning to cooperate with your co-parent.
Separating emotions from actions
It’s acceptable to feel upset and enraged, but your actions don’t have to be dictated by your emotions. Instead, let your actions be driven by what is best for your children, which includes working cooperatively with the other parent.
Get your feelings out somewhere else.
Never complain to your kids. When you need to vent your bad sentiments, friends, therapists, or even a devoted pet can be terrific listeners. Exercise can also offer a constructive means of venting.
Stay kid-focused.
The best interests of your child are at risk, so try to keep that in mind if you’re feeling irate or resentful. Looking at a picture of your child may help you feel less overwhelmed by your anger.
Don’t put your children in the middle
You might never be able to entirely let go of your anger or bitterness about your split, but you can learn to compartmentalise those sentiments and keep in mind that they are your problems, not your child’s. Resolve to keep your issues with your co-parent away from your children.
Never send a child as a message.
Your children become the focal point of your argument when they convert messages which can cause conflict and put them in the middle. Call or email your co-parent personally if you want to keep your child out of your relationship troubles.
Keep your issues to yourself
Never make your kids feel like they have to make a decision or say anything bad about your co-parent to them. Your child has a right to an independent relationship with their other parent.
Tip 2: Improve communication with your co-parent
Even though it may seem unattainable, maintaining calm, regular, and intentional communication with your ex is crucial to the success of co-parenting. Everything starts with your thinking. Consider your child’s welfare as your primary priority when speaking with your co-parent. Before speaking to your co-parent, consider how your behaviour may effect your child and make a decision to act respectably. Make sure that your child is the main topic of conversation with your co-parent at all times.
Keep in mind that you don’t necessarily have to see your co-parent in person; most conversations may be had over the phone, over text, or via email. Determine whatever method of contact suits you the most in order to develop connection that is free from conflict.
Co-parenting communication methods Set a business-like tone – Think of your relationship with your co-parent as a partnership in which your “business” is the welfare of your children. Write or speak to your ex in a pleasant, respectful, and impartial manner, just as you would a colleague. Unwind and speak slowly.
Make requests. Try to frame as much of your communication as a request rather than making remarks that could be taken the wrong way and heard as demands. One way to start a request is with “Would you be willing to…? “, “Can we try…?” ”
Listen. – Listening is the first step in communicating with maturity. You should be able to communicate to your co-parent that you understand their perspective, even if you do end up disagreeing with the other parent. Allowing your co-parent to express their thoughts won’t harm you in any way, and hearing does not imply approval.
Show restraint. – Remember that you will need to communicate with one another throughout your children’s entire childhood, if not longer. You can teach yourself to control your reactions to your co-parent, and with practise you can learn to ignore the cues they try to give you.
Commit to meeting/talking consistently.- Even though it could be quite challenging in the beginning, keeping in touch with your co-parent will show your kids that you and your co-parent are a team.
Keep conversations kid-focused.– Never allow a conversation with your co-parent to veer off course and turn into a debate about your needs or their needs; it should always stay focused solely on your child’s needs.
Quickly relieve stress in the moment. – When dealing with a challenging co-parent who has injured you in the past or has a particular talent for setting off your triggers, it may seem impossible to remain composed. However, by honing your quick stress reduction skills, you may learn to maintain composure under duress.
Tip 3: Co-parent as a team
Whether you still get along with your co-parent or not, you will have to make a lot of decisions together as parents. Everyone benefits greatly when there is cooperation and communication without arguments or outbursts. The specifics of child-rearing decisions usually fall into place if you aim for consistency, friendliness, and cooperation with your co-parent.
Aim for co-parenting consistency – Children should be exposed to various viewpoints and encouraged to be adaptable; nevertheless, they should also be aware that each home has a similar set of fundamental expectations. To keep your children from becoming confused, try to maintain consistency between your home and that of your co-parent.
Rules – Your children won’t have to alternate between two dramatically dissimilar disciplinary situations if you and your co-parent establish generally consistent rules. Rules don’t have to be exactly the same between two families. Curfews, off-limits activities, and other significant lifestyle regulations should be observed in both houses.
Discipline – Try to follow similar systems of consequences for broken rules, even if the infraction didn’t happen under your roof.
Schedule – Aim for some stability in your children’s schedules when you can. Making meals, homework assignments, and bedtimes consistent might help your youngster adjust to living in two different households.
Making important decisions as co-parents
Both you and your co-parent need to make important decisions. Your relationship with your co-parent and the wellbeing of your kids depend on you being open, honest, and direct about key matters.
Medical needs – Keep each other informed whether you decide to assign one parent the responsibility of speaking with medical personnel largely or decide to go to appointments together.
Education – If your child’s living situation changes, be careful to inform the school. Be kind to one another at school or sporting events and discuss extracurricular activities, parent-teacher conferences, and class schedules with your ex before the event.
Financial issues – The expense of running two different residences can make it difficult for you to co-parent effectively. Create a reasonable budget and maintain thorough records of shared costs. Be kind if your co-parent gives your kids experiences that you are unable to.
Resolving co-parenting disagreements
You and your co-parebt will undoubtedly differ on some matters as you co-parent. Consider the following as you work to come to an agreement.
Respect can go a long way – Co-parenting should be built on basic decency. In order to be attentive and respectful, you should inform your co-parent about important school-related activities, try to be flexible with your schedule, and value their perspective.
Keep talking- You must keep talking if you have serious differences of opinion. Never talk to your child about your disagreements in public or in front of them. You might need to speak with a third person, such as a therapist or mediator, if you still can’t come to a consensus.
Don’t sweat the small stuff – Keep the conversation continuing if you differ on critical subjects like a medical procedure or your child’s school preference. However, if your co-parent insists that your child stay up later than 8:00, let it go and conserve your energy for a more important issue.
Compromise – Yes, you will need to change your mind about your co-parent’s as frequently as they do about yours. Even while it may not always be your first option, reaching a compromise gives you both a chance to “win” and increases your likelihood of being adaptable in the future.
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